Its about time

I realised that I need to start giving my boyfriend some space. Clearly he's preoccupied with other things and I really should not bother him with my nonsense anymore. If he needs me, he'll come to me. It feels like he doesn't need me anymore so i think i'll spend my time with people who do need me. I've been neglecting my friends for far too long. I guess its time i get my life back.
Nevertheless, I still love him so much and will always be here for him but some space may be good for us too right?? Like 6 to 13 days of not seeing each other is not space enough but I care a lot about him so i will do anything to make him happy. Even if it means putting my own happiness on hold.

I'm back

Oh wow.. exactly how long has it been??
I've been meaning to get back here but I haven't really gotten the time. Either that or I've been too preoccupied with other useless things.

Things hasn't been going well lately.

Well, firstly, things with me and my boyfriend are pretty tight... we have constant quarrels because he's always too busy with other things and i feel like i'm being pushed aside. It feels like he only comes to me when he needs me... but then i need him almost every waking moment. Its just the sight of him brings me so much comfort and joy.. and i don't want that to go away. But school and other commitments is pulling him away from me and i get so sad because I can't make this relationship work alone. Meeting once a week for 3 hours and sometimes once in two weeks isn't enough to keep this going. I need to know that I'm still needed. I need to know that he still wants me. That he still thinks of me whenever i'm not around. It feels like I'm alone in this relationship. But we had a talk and I'm hoping that things will change for the better. I'm giving him way too heavy of a burden so i promised myself to keep a distance because he really has too much on his plate and i don't want to be the one to add more on it. I should be more understanding of his current situation. Maybe getting my life back on track will keep me busy and stop me from upsetting him any further. I love him so much. I have never felt so strongly for anyone before and i really want to make this work. Oh and... i know i shouldn't think too much on it but he has a girl best friend. Every girlfriends' nightmare. I need to trust him but the distance is making me hard to do so. I hardly ever see him... I really should not be insecure about the girl. He says she means nothing to him but i just can't stop myself from becoming so emotional. When i stop doing something, when i close my eyes.. all i see is the two of them, the pictures they took and the fact that she gets to see him everyday while im still stuck with the 'once a week, 3hrs'. Which one sounds like the girlfriend now? me or her? Its so unfair.. whenever i think about it, i'll just start tearing up. I know.. i'm being childish... i need to trust him but sometimes, you can't tell you heart what to do... and mine is breaking into pieces. But like always, i'm going to pick myself up like the strong girl i believe i still am. He's been nothing but sweet to me and i owe it to him to give him my trust and my support. He loves me to bits and i love him back. With god's willing, we'll pull through

Secondly, my dad is being an ass. A big ASS. A grouch...
He keeps bothering me ever since he got back from China and i've tolerated his nonsense but sooner or later i learned to tune out his nonsense.. but unfortunately that made me tune out his voice too. So now, whenever he asks me something, i can't hear it. Well, not literally... i can hear him but my brain doesn't register anything he says .. so on the outside, it would seem like i'm ignoring him. He got upset with me because he thought i was ignoring him and flared up. Calling me a rude girl and that i have absolutely no respect for my elders whatsoever. and that... Pissed me off so bad! I am so sick and tired of his nonsense. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. I really don't want to see him but we're stuck in the same house. Maybe i should head out to study or something. I don't want to have to live with him anymore.

Rush Rush

There seems to be no time for fun at all! or maybe i just suck at time management.
There is a high probability that it may be the latter. haha!

This week was flooded with tests and homework and assignments. Things just keep piling up. I really need to start getting focused. I have got no more time to waste anymore. Its 1.21am right now and i am still not asleep. I need to be up early later to get to school because I completely and irresponsibly forgot that I have an assignment to hand in yesterday. Because of my carelessness, I now have to make my way to school on a day which is supposed to be my DAY OFF! *sigh*

Anyway, i had my first group meeting for my visual arts project today. It was generally ok i guess BUT when we were contributing ideas. My friend stole mine!! I told her about my idea before we went to the meeting together. I told we should do it on Food and observe the different interpretations of food by the different cultures. She told my groupmates my idea! I was left with nothing. I remembered asking her before the meeting whether she had any idea or suggestions about the project, she told me she thought of none. I guess she was panicking and was so pressured into contributing that she took mine. No harm done i suppose. I totally understand how she feels. Besides, i did talk alot during the meeting, contributed other ideas too so I have absolutely nothing to worry about. :)

She is a very nice person and I'm sure she did not mean to do it.

Dreams and Reality

The Dreams and Reality exhibition was inspiring and beautiful especially for first time arts exhibition goers like myself. I have never looked at paintings the way I did the day I went to the exhibition as each and every one of the paintings stood out from the rest and each embodied its own history and emotions. Initially thinking that paintings were just strokes of the brush and colours of the paint, I never really gave painting any second thought but as the tour guide told us the story of the painters and artists, I saw the paintings in a very different light. I began to realise that within every stroke, therein lies a meaning and with every colour that was chosen, emotions were conveyed. Just as Professor Jan has said in many of his lectures, the form of a painting is crucial in conveying its meaning.

Dreams and Reality certainly did bring out the imaginative life and actual life that we live in. The ‘History and War’ section of the exhibition brought out the most emotions for me. Of those that stood out to me was Gustav Dore’s “The Enigma”. Drenched in shades of grey, it showcased a depressive and morbid atmosphere where one is clearly and easily exposed to the emotions the painter was trying to portray. The lifeless bodies of innocents and soldiers strewn all over the remains of the battlefield enveloped in thick smoke certainly intensify the emotions. The winged woman in the middle of the painting described the distress and helplessness the painter was perhaps feeling at that point in time as she seemed to be begging for answers from the sphinx. Here I saw how vast meanings and emotions could be interpreted from only one painting.

Claude Monet, Gutav Dore, Gustav Courbet and Philip Wilson Steer’s painting were remarkably beautiful to me. Not forgetting also, Van Gogh’s ‘Starry Night Over The Rhone’ which was undeniably the most popular piece in the entire exhibition. The exhibition gave me an opportunity to observe the paintings up close and changed my perspective of the visual arts for the better. 

Artsy Fartsy

Today, I realised what I love.

ARTS

Fine Arts, to be more specific.

I mean, I have always liked sketching and painting but I never really thought about it as my future. Society has taught me that I need to get into something more substantial in order to survive. I need a "real " job. So i grew up trying to fool myself into thinking that i love teaching or being a doctor or a business woman or an anchor woman... well.. basically anything that pays. Honestly, i hate all of them. I do not want to spend the rest of my life confined behind a desk or be subjected to the authority of another. I do not want to go through politics, be it  in school or at work or on the television. I. DO. NOT. LIKE. POLITICS. Politics ruins lives. (<<< understatement of the century)
Whenever people ask me what i want to be when i grow up, my mind always draws a blank. I really DO NOT know! Well... actually.. i do know what i want to do... its just that.. the thing i want to do would not be able to help me support my family. I am not rich, my parents can't support me forever. So i have to suck it in and embrace it.  I'm going to have to decide on what i want to do with my life whether i hate it or love it.
I'm only left with a few months before i have to decide on a major that will determine the next phase of my life.
Thus far, i am considering history and sociology but i'm bending towards history. My dad wants me to be a doctor but i have absolutely no interest in the medical field. Sure the title sounds fancy but... that's just about the end of it.
Ever since i took a module on arts history on a whim, i have never stopped thinking about it. My mind is always full of paintings and colours and emotions embroiled within each stroke of the brush. Painting during a rainy day. Painting when I'm sad and depressed. Painting about everything. Pictures are a big part of my life. I mean, I even use them to help me memorise the technical stuff in school.

I should never have stopped doing what i love. I should have just continued.

I wonder what my parents will say when i eventually tell them this.

 I foresee disappointments. 

The Great Gatsby

Amazing, amazing book this was.

I only recently just finished reading this book and i was so immersed in the story plot and so struck by the different characters in the book that I could hardly put the book down and when i did, i could not stop thinking about it.
Basically, the story is about a man named Gatsby who did everything he could to get the woman he loves, Daisy. Daisy is however married to another man called Tom Buchanan ( i call him Tom Banana because i don't like him hehehe) Another thing about this book is that it clearly illustrates the class hierarchy in America. Shows how materialism determines how a person lives and acts.

Tom Banana is a rich man with a repulsive personality. He is the typical , spoiled rich man who thinks he can do whatever he wants without repercussions and thinks he can get anything he wants with his money. He has a mistress called Myrtle Wilson who is peasant with a selfish dream of becoming rich even if it meant cheating on her husband. Her husband is a devoted man who does everything she asks of him and never questioned nor suspected her loyalty to him yet she deceives him, talks rot about him behind his back and engages in adultery with a married man.

The novel ends tragically though.
Poor Gatsby :(

Busy Busy Buzzing BumbleBee

Late for school today as I overestimated the time I had. Lucky me, my Lecturer is extremely nice. Right after that, I had European history tutorial and I found out my tutor is a Turkish lady. She's nice too but she expects us to do too much. I have to many things to finish, readings to read, essays to do... ugh.. the agony of being an arts student.